An Open and Honest Account

Night time is my time. After everyone is asleep, I am awake all by myself and enjoy an hour or so relaxing. One night in particular I was watching Grey's Anatomy (do NOT even get me started on the death of McDreamy.)  April was pregnant with her first child and learned that the baby had a terrible disease. She (the actress and her character) is a christian and struggled with what to do. She didn't want to terminate the pregnancy, but knew her baby was in constant pain. His disease caused his bones to break even with the lightest touch. Ultimately she induced labor to save the baby from pain while giving him a chance to live, and the baby went to Heaven to be with Jesus. And I cried and cried. I distinctly remember thinking, "That is something I could never handle. I have had to deal with many difficult things in my life, so losing a baby wouldn't ever be something God put on my plate."

Never say never. The day I went to my doctors appointment and found out that our baby was in Heaven, I had other plans for the day. I had a grocery list, errands to run. I had normal plans. No matter what plans we have and how prepared we might be, they are nothing compared to God's divine plan. I never once in my life thought this grief was something I would have to deal with. I wanted to have easier trials in my life. I thought I was better equipped to handle other issues. God knows better though. There is a reason he put this on my plate. Reasons I may never know, but must trust. 

When I went back into surgery, the nurse anesthetist reminded me that God will not give more than I can handle. A sweet friend sent me a quote from Rick Warren that read "Other people are going to find healing in your wounds. Your greatest life messages and your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts."

I don't want to have a lot on my plate to handle, have wounds, or have to minister if it means losing my baby, but I will do it to serve the Lord. I will do so if it is God's will for me and clearly it is. Now I just have to figure out how to serve him thru this storm. And how to validate my baby's life and be a mama to that baby in Heaven. How do I do it?

The day after I lost our baby, I felt strongly called to write down our story and publicly share it. I don't know why, but maybe it is to share God's love. I try to keep writing and keep sharing. Right now it is the only way I know to make a ministry from this!

I am not very strong right now and constantly have waves of emotions, anxiety, and sadness. I want to be honest about this because I feel like so many women struggle with this and feel like they are alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Fanny pack mom is right there with you. One day last week, I told Kyle I was so proud of myself because I had not cried all day long. I then stayed up for an hour crying that I had not cried. Silly I know, but grief has no rules or structure. I am a hot mess of hormones right now and I own it. Sometimes it is overwhelming to even respond to a text message. It is very overwhelming to leave my house or be in crowds. All things I usually love and enjoy. I am so thankful that God has put several women, who have been in my shoes, in my path to justify my stage of life right now. They have all assured me these are all normal symptoms of grief. Right now my focus is on my kids I have on earth. I make them homemade meals, play fun games with them, and meet their every need. My house is constantly picked up and all laundry is constantly done. All of my work is being done from home and I even exercise daily. Those are the things I can control and be scheduled with right now, so I always keep those up. Other than that my comfort place right now is reading grief books to heal or honestly watching Netflix. And I am not going to feel bad about it. I can't. I felt like on a couple of occasions this week I was being criticized and made to feel like I should be back to normal. Luckily, in my grief study it had prepared me for experiences like this to feel confident in my ways. 

A sweet friend gave me a book called Mommy please don't cry...there are no tears in Heaven. Ironically, this book produced a lot of tears, but only because it is so beautiful. It reminds me that my baby is being held by Jesus and knows no pain or tears. Human nature makes me selfish and makes me want to get to be the one holding my baby, but how wonderful for my baby to be with my Savior. This gives me all the hope I need right now!