Grief

I have experienced grief in my life, but nothing like the kind of grief I have experienced in the past week. When I first learned our baby's little heart was no longer beating, I was hysterical. I then moved into a period of shock. The period of shock is emotional, but during that period reality hasn't fully set in. It's when you move past the shock stage and reality sets in that it becomes unbearable.

One of the worst symptoms I have is terrible nightmares. Waking up is hard too. When I wake up I am sick from the nightmares, and then once again reality sets in that our baby is gone. Every once in awhile grief will strike and completely take over. My hormones are so out of whack right now that I know it adds to the pain. I physically feel like I just had a baby, yet I don't have one in my arms. 

God still doesn't fail me. Every time I start to have a meltdown, it never fails that I have a text message or something encouraging from a friend. I have had so much love and support.  I have had new friends, old friends, and people I am just aquatinted with reaching out to me. My porch has constantly had a person or package waiting on me to send us love. God has even put people in my path to share their stories with me of their own loss. People have been so good to me and have ministered to me daily. Kyle and I are in complete amazement. It is such a blessing.

 Wednesday was a hard day, but yesterday Kyle was home with me all day. I needed that time so much. Time to just be together. I started to get nervous last night about him having be back at work today, but I tried to just breath thru it. Kyle is the only other person grieving the same exact same loss as me. We both lost our child and both have to deal with this loss. 

I constantly thank God for Krews and Kole. They are such encouragers without even knowing it. They are so happy and full of adventure that they help heal the pain. Wednesday night, I was really feeling bad and Krews noticed I wasn't feeling good. He came up to me and rubbed my back and said "Oh it's ok mama, you will feel better soon." He doesn't even know how much that helped me. Krews and Kyle had to be at a practice one night this week, so it was just me and Kole. He told me that he loved being just with me. God knew I needed to hear that precious voice tell me those words. I have tried not to let them see me be emotional at all. Around them I am upbeat and planning for fun future things. However, they understand that our baby being in Heaven is a celebration, but also sad for us since we don't have the baby.

 I hope this situation can be a positive learning situation for them. They have been able to see the kindness that has been poured over our family. They think it is amazing that friends have brought dinner to our house every night and that gifts have been at our front door constantly. Their sweet nurse from our pediatrician's office came by and brought us a homemade pie. They thought it was so cool she came to our house to see them even though they weren't sick haha!

Yesterday, I got myself in real clothes and surprised the boys with water balloons filled and ready for a water battle. I knew they needed a special treat, and I needed to be out in the sunshine for a little while. I was tired after, but so glad we had some fun time! We have also planned a couple of trips in the near future. I think that is just what our family needs! Time together, time away, and time to heal. 

I have prayed everyday, multiple times a day, thanking God for taking care of me at this time. As weird as this sounds, I feel like my connection with God is even deeper knowing He has our baby with Him. Can you imagine the lullabies Angels sing? Babies always smell so sweet, I can only imagine how much sweeter they smell in Heaven. It is a comfort for me to think in terms like that. I think I will end this post with that positive thought in my mind.