Grief

I have experienced grief in my life, but nothing like the kind of grief I have experienced in the past week. When I first learned our baby's little heart was no longer beating, I was hysterical. I then moved into a period of shock. The period of shock is emotional, but during that period reality hasn't fully set in. It's when you move past the shock stage and reality sets in that it becomes unbearable.

One of the worst symptoms I have is terrible nightmares. Waking up is hard too. When I wake up I am sick from the nightmares, and then once again reality sets in that our baby is gone. Every once in awhile grief will strike and completely take over. My hormones are so out of whack right now that I know it adds to the pain. I physically feel like I just had a baby, yet I don't have one in my arms. 

God still doesn't fail me. Every time I start to have a meltdown, it never fails that I have a text message or something encouraging from a friend. I have had so much love and support.  I have had new friends, old friends, and people I am just aquatinted with reaching out to me. My porch has constantly had a person or package waiting on me to send us love. God has even put people in my path to share their stories with me of their own loss. People have been so good to me and have ministered to me daily. Kyle and I are in complete amazement. It is such a blessing.

 Wednesday was a hard day, but yesterday Kyle was home with me all day. I needed that time so much. Time to just be together. I started to get nervous last night about him having be back at work today, but I tried to just breath thru it. Kyle is the only other person grieving the same exact same loss as me. We both lost our child and both have to deal with this loss. 

I constantly thank God for Krews and Kole. They are such encouragers without even knowing it. They are so happy and full of adventure that they help heal the pain. Wednesday night, I was really feeling bad and Krews noticed I wasn't feeling good. He came up to me and rubbed my back and said "Oh it's ok mama, you will feel better soon." He doesn't even know how much that helped me. Krews and Kyle had to be at a practice one night this week, so it was just me and Kole. He told me that he loved being just with me. God knew I needed to hear that precious voice tell me those words. I have tried not to let them see me be emotional at all. Around them I am upbeat and planning for fun future things. However, they understand that our baby being in Heaven is a celebration, but also sad for us since we don't have the baby.

 I hope this situation can be a positive learning situation for them. They have been able to see the kindness that has been poured over our family. They think it is amazing that friends have brought dinner to our house every night and that gifts have been at our front door constantly. Their sweet nurse from our pediatrician's office came by and brought us a homemade pie. They thought it was so cool she came to our house to see them even though they weren't sick haha!

Yesterday, I got myself in real clothes and surprised the boys with water balloons filled and ready for a water battle. I knew they needed a special treat, and I needed to be out in the sunshine for a little while. I was tired after, but so glad we had some fun time! We have also planned a couple of trips in the near future. I think that is just what our family needs! Time together, time away, and time to heal. 

I have prayed everyday, multiple times a day, thanking God for taking care of me at this time. As weird as this sounds, I feel like my connection with God is even deeper knowing He has our baby with Him. Can you imagine the lullabies Angels sing? Babies always smell so sweet, I can only imagine how much sweeter they smell in Heaven. It is a comfort for me to think in terms like that. I think I will end this post with that positive thought in my mind. 

Update

Since my last post, so much has happened. I spent Wednesday in shock and it all felt like a blur. By Thursday, I decided to get out of the house and take a ride with Kyle. We were driving down the road, and I was bent over digging around in my purse. Kyle yelled and the next thing I knew a car had slammed into us and another car into them. I was forced back into my seat and my head and neck immediately hurt. I also felt my seatbelt tighten over my stomach. I immediately just started to cry. I still had no symptoms of losing the baby aside from what we saw on the ultrasound.

I went to the Emergency Room by ambulance and felt like that ambulance ride was my low point. I was in pain physically and emotionally. I had been sitting around waiting for something to start happening with the baby, and was still trying to wrap my mind around it all. At the ER, everyone was so kind to me knowing the situation I was in. I went in for a CT scan, and the tech asked if there was a chance I could be pregnant. I told him I was pregnant, but that our baby had no heartbeat anymore. He showed me such compassion, covered my stomach with a shield, and said we would still protect the baby. I was in tears. A complete stranger showed such validation to my baby's life. It was such a blessing to me. I am also thankful the boys were not in the car with us and that Kyle was not hurt.

We were able to go home and the next morning (Friday) came back to the hospital for surgery. I had started running a fever, and knew it was time to face the loss of our baby. I was met with constant love and compassion by each person who cared for me in the hospital. From the lady who checked me into the hospital to every single sweet nurse. 

When it was time to go back to surgery, I had a hard time telling Kyle, my mom, and dad goodbye. I was emotional and scared. God quickly took those fears away, when I was greeted by a nurse, who I had known since high school, and a nurse anesthetist who said he would be praying for me the entire time. 

I made it thru surgery just fine, but am still struggling to adapt. This morning I fixed myself a snack, opened the cabinet to take my prenatal vitamins, and then just froze. I am dealing with emotional pain and also physical pain from the surgery and wreck. I have seen God every step of the way and he has been so faithful to me. I have received so much love and support from friends and family. I am constantly getting messages, phone calls, visitors, front porch drop offs, mail, and deliveries. Having a good doctor also makes the process so much easier. He even came by our house before soccer games yesterday to check and see how we were making it. It is amazing the love God shows you when you are at your weakest point. 

I don't know why we have been put in this situation, and I don't question why. There is a reason God put this in our path and my job is to bring honor to Him through it. I do know we have already been given a platform to share our message of life at any stage and how important it is. My job right now is to recover and grieve. I also have two children, who I have to be strong for and set an example. They will both tell you right now, without any doubt, that our baby is in Heaven and that is the most amazing place to be. I hope their faith can be a shining example to others as well. 

I will try to update again soon!

Our Precious Baby

I woke up with the worst headache on February 7th. I am used to dealing with headaches, but this on was different. I just felt completely off. I stayed in bed all weekend, even missing church. Monday rolled around and I was somewhat better, but still just off. Kyle was home that day and a man came by about updating our landscaping. I told him I wanted lots of bright flowers near the entryway. Then I went inside and took a pregnancy test, confirming that off feeling was pregnancy. 

We hadn't been trying to concieve, but I knew I wanted another baby and was thrilled. Sitting in church one Sunday,  we were talking about mission trips. Our Sunday school teacher encouraged us to pray about if we should be led to go on one, because all it would do was open our eyes to if God wanted us serving that way. I prayed about a mission trip, and I kept being more and more nudged about adoption. Was God trying to open my eyes to adoption? I talked to Kyle and we agreed to pray about it. That was in December. When I had a positive pregnancy test, I knew God's plan for me was to have another baby, just maybe not by adoption.

At 8 weeks pregnant, I had my first appointment and ultrasound. The ultrasound showed our sweet baby on the screen moving around. The baby had a strong heartbeat. We were so excited and told the boys they would be big brothers. They were thrilled and fought over whether the baby would be a boy, girl, or robot. (Kole has a strong imagination.) We told our family and close friends. I felt comfortable that by 8 weeks with a heartbeat, sharing our news was safe. Krews and Kole took pink and blue cupcakes to school to celebrate their brother or sister. 

Yesterday, was April 7th. Two months after I had discovered my exciting news. Two months after I had been living with this precious baby growing inside of me, dreaming of his or her's precious future. I woke up and got dressed to go to my 12 week checkup. I was worried I looked fat and I put on leggings and a maternity shirt. And in my mind it was ok because by the 3rd pregnancy you start showing after you take the test, ya know? I went in the doctors office and waited for my appointment. My dad had an appointment to check his levels because he has recently lost 35 pounds, and I was still worried about looking fat. I sat there making a grocery list and working on different tasks, just like everything was normal. My dad came out and was telling all the ladies in the office that he just knew I was having a girl because he had prayed for a girl. Everyone was laughing over his excitement. He left and I was called back to see the doctor. Everything was still 100% normal, as I joked with our doctor (and close family friend) that my dad had been trying to bribe me to name my baby after him. He started listening for the heartbeat and couldn't hear it. He went and changed the batteries in the Doppler. He did everything in his power to find that heartbeat. He tried to be calm and reassuring with me, and decided I needed to go to the hospital for an ultrasound. I got in my car and finally burst into tears, because I just knew something was wrong. I listed to the song "My redeemer lives" the entire way to the hospital. I kept telling myself that if my sweet bouncing baby I saw on the ultrasound, had taken his or her last heartbeat he or she was with my Redeemer, and my Redeemer lives. 

I made it to the hospital first, with Kyle walking in shortly after me. I almost cried again when I laid my eyes on him. I got myself together and went in for the ultrasound. It took a very long time. She checked every single little thing, yet wouldn't tell me anything. She was sweet and bubbly, and I was thankful to as least have a sweet ultrasound tech with us. I knew if there was a heartbeat she would have let me hear it. I have never felt more stupid for spending time that day worried I looked fat. 

I drove home knowing I would spend the afternoon just waiting for a phone call to know if my baby was alive. In my heart, I knew what was happening. On the drive home, I drove past the cemetery my grandmother and grandfather are buried in. I had been worried this entire pregnancy because I only had two homemade blankets from my grandmother. One for Kole and one for Krews. What blanket would this baby have? Now I had such different questions, "If my baby is in heaven, do grandmother and grandfather see him or her? And what about my Gee or Doe? Is one of them rocking that baby for me?"

I got home and Kyle got here shortly after me. He finally got me to eat a little lunch, and we watched TV like we were zombies. Then the phone rang. Our sweet doctor could barely say the words. He was just as upset as we were that our baby was no longer alive. He told me our options and told me just to talk to Kyle and that we would touch base soon. I called my mom and asked her to tell other family members because I just couldn't. I had Kyle text one of my friends to alert others. I was completely inconsolable. I decided to take a shower and when I walked into my closet and saw the summer maternity clothes I had just bought, I lost it. I threw all the clothes down. I just couldn't handle it. 

When I finally got myself together, Kyle brought the boys home. We told them that our baby was in Heaven. I had been dreading this conversation all afternoon. Luckily, they are too young to fully grasp things. Krews prayed for us to have another baby and asked if that would be ok with me. I told him of course, we would try to have another baby. They both also have such a strong childlike faith, and say with such excitement "Awe the baby's in heaven with Jesus!" 

Kyle took them out to keep their minds of off it and to give me a little time. One of my friends left something on my porch, and when I went to get it I saw the flowers planted that we had planned the day I found out I was expecting this baby. They were beautiful and had so much life. Just like this baby. This baby was given life, and I am so thankful I have been able to carry him or her. I would do it all over again, even though this is the most painful loss I have ever experienced. I don't really know what God's plan is for us? I just know I have complete faith in Him. I felt led to share our story this morning, and maybe this can help someone who faces a similar situation. I felt the need to talk about my sweet baby and do something besides cry. I never thought something like this would happen. With this happening so late and after we had a heartbeat, I have been a little shocked. It just goes to show that nothing is ever guaranteed in life, except that God will always be there. My faith is strengthened in knowing that I have eternal life and so does my baby. 

I woke up this morning still in shock. I had nightmares all night. I still don't know what to do, as I sit here still carrying this baby's sweet little body. I have had no signs of miscarriage, even though I know what is happening. I even question sometimes, what if the baby is still alive? There are no good options when it comes to a loss like this. I ask for your prayers at this time. I am already amazed at the love and support that my friends and family have poured out over me. I love you all!

And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” Job 1:21