How PBQS won Miss Arkansas USA: All the juicy details

PBQS reigns again. She is officially Miss Arkansas USA! I watched at home and am so excited! Everyone wanted details, so here is how the night went. 

1. Watching online, eating candy.

2. Receive phone call #1 from Austin, who is there, so I assume it's an emergency.

3. Tell Austin to get back in the auditorium and no he can't talk to Kyle right now. Hang up.

4. Go back to watching and Kole tells me " I hope her wins!"

5. She nailed swimsuit. 

6. Phone call #2 from Austin saying he just bought something on Craigslist and really needs to tell Kyle about it. What??? Why is he on Craigslist right now? Hang up again.

7. In the meantime, he never actually called Kyle's phone. 

8. Text friends with updates as she is eloquent in evening gown and gets into the top 13.

9. Phone call #3 from you know who. I don't even say hello. I just say KYLE HAS HIS OWN PHONE AND HE IS AT YOUR HOUSE FEEDING YOUR DOG. And he's about to be on the phone with the police, so quit calling. (Long story that involved criminals trying to steal things at work)

10. My internet freezes.

11. Kyle comes home to tell me that Austin was out of dog food, but they finally talked. 

12. She's in the TOP 5!

13. Kids fall asleep.

14. PBQS nails her questions specifically spouting off facts about Syria that blew my mind.

15. Kyle falls asleep (seriously?)

16. I make it past 4th runner up

17. Then 3rd and 2nd

18. I have a heart attack

19. She WINS and I wake Kyle back up.

20. I am  left out as they are all taking pictures with Miss Arkansas USA and I am at home with sleeping people.

Next up...Miss USA with three kids :)

An update on health and Jariel

I haven't updated in awhile and to be honest I really don't know why I haven't. Everything has been pretty steady until Monday night when I started having more bleeding. It was much lighter than before, but caused me to panic. I had an ultrasound and baby is doing great, but the subchorionic bleed is still there. It's still an issue that cannot be fixed, but is holding steady and not harming the baby. We will just have to keep monitoring the situation! 

It is amazing how God takes care of His children even in the womb. The baby has been protected from all of this by His grace and has been surrounded by prayers. It is incredible to witness God's miracles!

Also a point I want to make is the peace that God gives you. It truly does transcend all understanding. I am a crazy OCD, type-A person, but have oddly been calm and peaceful. I owe it all to the closeness I have felt with God throughout the past two months. Don't get me wrong---I have had my panic attacks--nothing like I would have expected from myself tho.

To all 5 of my loyal blog readers I have a surprise....a Jariel update!! You will remember Jariel as the woman from Louisiana who kept sending my deceased Grandmother Christmas cards, which arrived at my house since I live in what was her house. I finally sent her a letter last year explaining that Grandmother had died, but never heard back. (Sidenote-my grandparents lived in LA for a few years and had a crew of friends there-Jariel was one of them)

Well last week Kyle was at work and someone called asking to speak to my dad. He wasn't there so Kyle took the call. A woman came on the phone and was demanding to talk to "Sandra's son." Kyle said she started talking a million miles an hour and wanted to know why they couldn't get in touch with Sandra. She was NOT happy and wanted answers as to what she was up to. Kyle saved Grandmother from the shunning of LA friends by informing her that she had died ALMOST 4 YEARS AGO. The lady said well I guess that explains THAT. 

Kyle came home and told me the story and I immediately yelled "WAS IT JARIEL????"

And you know what he responded with...."Not sure didn't catch her name."

After all I have been through reading Jariel's Christmas letter and life story every year, and writing to her myself, he can't help explain the mystery. 

So here is where we are at for future options:

1. I will receive another card from Jariel this year addressed to Sandra, as if she never received my letter. Maybe she will even personalize it?

2. Jariel was shunned from the LA group and kept the story to herself and this was another woman who called.

3. Kyle ruined the story and we will never know.

4. Jariel has no use for me. 

I will keep you all posted!

Praises and Optimism

Today I witnessed the miraculous power of God and prayer. I met with a high risk doctor who said my sub chorionic hematoma has shrunk somewhat and is HEALING!!!! I still have to take it VERY easy, but he thinks this baby should make it here just fine! Kyle and I both had tears in our eyes of pure joy! Three weeks ago we were told our baby had a 50% chance of making it and today we have pure optimism! Thank you for all of the prayers and support! They are truly working! God is good!

"I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears" Psalms 34:4

The power of prayer: 15 weeks

I could cry just typing this post...And these are happy tears, my friends. I made it past the most critical week, the first week after discovering the sub chorionic bleed. Nothing can be done medically, so I know it is the power of prayer and God's work. When I heard the baby's heartbeat Monday, I have never felt so relieved. He/she is one tough little baby to have survived this! I know I still have a long road ahead, but am so thankful for making it past the first hurdle.

Let me tell you, this is a mental game as much as it is physical. Last week I had multiple breakdowns. I had to really focus on God and keep myself in His word. When Krews was a baby, I did the Jesus Calling devotional and loved it. When school started, I decided it would be the perfect before school devo along with prayer time. I am so glad I did this because each day has linked me with scriptures preaching the following messages to me:

Rest in ME
Worship ME
Come to ME and rest 
Rejoice in ME
Receive MY peace
Walk with ME
Accept each day with help from ME
Trust in ME

All of those messages are true everyday, but have really spoken to me in my current situation. It is so hard being in difficult situation, but I cannot even describe to you how close it draws you to God. It is amazing how God works in your life when you cling to Him and turn your troubles over to Him. One day last week, I was sleeping and home alone. I woke up feeling like someone was sitting on my bed. I called out to see if Kyle was home or maybe my mom was there. I was completely alone, but felt like I wasnt. I feel like God was with me. One night I had a breakdown on Kyle, worrying about if the baby would be able to survive. I sat and prayed and read scripture until I calmed down. I have actually lost weight during this pregnancy, but woke up the next morning to feel and see the perfect baby bump. I feel like that was God's way of reassuring me.

I want to thank you all for you prayers and concern. Please continue them! It is amazing to feel such a strong sense of community from friends and family! I am so thankful!!

Baby #4 with a major prayer request

Everyone told me after our miscarriage (I still hate that word) that I would most likely get pregnant in the near future. It turns out everyone was right. I found out this summer I was expecting again. And I have been scared, excited, nervous, and prayerful ever since. I have constantly worried about our 4th baby, but told myself I had to turn my worry over to God. At 7 weeks, we had a great ultrasound. At 12 weeks we heard the sweet little heartbeat on the doppler, and decided it was time to share our news with our boys. Today marks 14 weeks. We are so thankful to God for giving us another precious life!

On Wednesday I went to the doctor not feeling well and sure enough had a UTI. I took it easy and took my meds and by Sunday night was actually feeling a lot worse. I knew Monday was Labor Day and I decided just to try to make it to Tuesday and then go back to the doctor. That plan changed when I woke up at 3:30am bleeding. I went to the ER and was given a shot of strong antibiotics along with new oral antibiotics. The ER doctor thought it was just from the infection being so strong. I went home and felt light headed and went back to bed. This time I woke up to a scary scene of blood and went back to the ER. It turns out I have a large sub chorionic bleed that is causing the placenta to seperate from the uterine wall. Basically at this point the bleeding will stop and it will heal, or it won't and the placenta will continue to seperate causing the baby to be deprived of oxygen. The doctor said it can go either way.

It makes me completely sick to even type all of this information. Kyle and I watched our baby on the ultrasound wave at us, put his/her little arm behind its head, and move around so healthy and full of life. We already lost another baby 5 months ago. It completely pains me.

Why am I put in this situation? I have no idea. I do know that I pray every day to serve God and bring glory to Him in my life. You can't pick what problems you will have in life and God will never give you more than you can handle. Right now there is nothing medically that can be done. It is 110% in God's hands. I am a control freak and like to have answers and solutions. How much better is this situation in God's hands than mine though!

The answer that I do have right now are that this baby is God's perfectly created child and he has a plan for him/her. I also know that I am His child and I trust completely in Him and will faithfully serve him no matter the outcome. I pray to be given the chance to have this baby and train him/her to serve him as well.

I am sharing this because so many people have been so good to me and my family over the past five months. I am also sharing to continue to share the story of God's work and faithfulness in our lives. I am overwhelmed by how many people have prayed for and been such a blessing to us. I ask each of you to PLEASE pray for our baby and pray for our family. God is the only one who can save this situation. I promise to keep you all posted.

Remembering Grandaddy

Saturday night I lost my last grandparent, my Grandaddy. He had been in declining health, but we weren't prepared to let him go yet. My mother asked me to give the eulogy. I was happy to do it, but then became almost sick before it was time. I was worried I wouldn't be able to speak the right words and make it thru without crying. Below is the message I delivered about this wonderful man.

One of my earliest memories is climbing in the car to drive to Rose Bud to visit my grandparents. Both Gee and Grandaddy's lives revolved around work and family. We would always drive straight to the center of town to Stark Building Supply, my grandparents hardware store. I know so many of you loved the building supply store. Not just for the products, but mostly for walking in to see gee and Grandaddy and talk to them. We would walk in and find my Gee behind the cash register visiting with customers and my Grandaddy out in the fertilizer store area. we would take money out of the cash drawer and walk across the street to the quick stop. I would make myself the biggest ice cream cone I could manage and then we would walk back. Now if you were my older cousins you got to go to the donut store with Grandaddy before school and get french fries made special for you. After the store closed, We would head to their house on the farm and watch Gee make pork chops in the skillet, while Grandaddy fed the horses. After dinner, the activity was whatever was requested. My grandparents were so young and active that I often feel robbed of time. Especially now in the last few days since we lost Grandaddy. We would head outside and catch lightning bugs in a mason jar. Some nights we would get empty feed sacks to make a diamond in the yard and play a family baseball game. Other nights were spent on the mechanical bull Grandaddy made with an old tank hooked up between two trees with an old mattress underneath in case we fell off. Then we would come inside while Grandaddy watched bull riding and would take turns sitting on his knee as he pretended to be a bull and knock us off. There were also many trips down to their creek to catch crawdads or swim. We actually took all of the great grandkids to catch crawdads on Sunday, and I can only imagine the joy that brought to Gee and Grandaddy, as they had just been reunited in heaven to see their family enjoying the traditions they built. It wasn't anything fancy, but was so picturesque and special. They were both always so happy and truly enjoyed our company. I can say with full confidence that they  lived the small town American Dream that is rare to come across in our world today. 

My cousins would always be at their house. And if they weren't I would immediately call them upon my arrival so everyone could be together. 

My brother would spend his summers in Rose Bud. Every morning he had a homemade breakfast and if his frisbee happened to end up of the roof Grandaddy would climb up and get it. Austin would sleep on a couch in their bedroom. The couch top was lined with small stuffed animals that he won out of a machine. Gee and Grandaddy would put endless quarters in the toy machine at the local restaurant just so Austin could win his prize of stuffed animals to decorate their room. I spend the night one Saturday night on a whim. I was so excited because I got to sleep in my cousins new kids on the block t shirt she kept in their closet. Gee told me to get ready for church the next and I said, "But I have nothing to wear!"

She immediately told me it didn't matter what I wore, it just mattered that I went to church at this very church. We ALL went to church and she was right it didn't matter. Talk about an impression at an early age. 

When my mom would talk to my grandparents on the phone when I was younger, Grandaddy would ask to talk to me. As soon as I got on the phone he would say, "You sure are lookin good tonight!"

I would laugh hysterically as he would tell me his phone had a TV and he could see me thru it. I still giggle to this day about it because I thought a phone with a TV seemed so futuristic and that he had such a big imagination.   

When you walked into Gee and Grandaddy's house two things were always a given. One was that Fox News was always playing and two that it was always an icebox in the house. You could always look under the counter and find the best stash of little debbie treats. For a snack we would homemade popcorn made in a special pan. And every Christmas we would watch Grandaddy cut down a tree and he would always joke that we could only have a Charlie Brown sized tree. 

I also remember the hospitality shown by gee and Grandaddy both. Their front door was always open. No knock even needed. They always had visitors coming just to check in on them. That kind of hospitality and welcoming is rare these days. 

Grandaddy had a hard time watching Gee struggle to be so sick and eventually pass away. You could tell there was such a void in his heart, but he still did his best to stay involved with his family. He would come over to our homes for family dinners on occasion. He would visit everyone on Christmas and give them a crisp $50 bill. And He never went a day without visiting as he called it the quick stop. The other day I was visiting and needed to pick him up a coffee. I went in and said to a girl "you wouldn't happen to know what kind of coffee Nick Stark drinks?" She smiled really big and immediately fixed his coffee JUST like he liked it. He was a beloved member of his community. As a business owner, people always talked about the generosity he and Gee showed to everyone. If you needed in the store after hours no problem, he would come meet you and open it just for you. If you needed something donated, it was yours. He would have given you his last dollar and probably did on some days. 

If you were to visit with him at the building supply store or coffee shop, you know he liked to discuss politics. He was very smart and articulate. One time I remember being a dumb high school kid and saying something about not blaming France for not wanting to be involved in something. He came out of his chair and lectured me so quickly I am scared to even travel to France. One summer I worked at Fox News in New York and I don't think I've ever talked to the man so much on the phone. He LOVED hearing every single detail so he could have some insider information to share. He would ask me what "my friends" thought about this and that. He had no understanding that I was just a bottom of the line intern. And that sums up Grandaddy. He always saw the good in people and thought what you were doing was more important than it ever was. He supported all of us in every single thing we ever did. 

On the day Grandaddy died he looked so peaceful. He never suffered but also never lost his wit. When the nurse was moving him around he was semi awake grunting and she said you can hit me if you need. Without missing a beat he pulled his elbow back and punched her with the tiny strength he had left. All of his family was gathered in his room with him. At one point we were all giggling, telling stories, and talking about old times. I think that was the peace he needed to know he could leave, and the rest of us would be ok with the foundation he had spent his life giving us all. Before he died, he was fussing and fighting with my mom and cousin saying get off me and get out of my way. He was ready to GO! I can't help but wonder if he saw where he was going and was so ready to get here. When I was letting friends and family know the news I typed he's gone in my phone and auto type changed it to he's home. He is home with Jesus. He is Home with gee. Home with his parents and two of his brothers. Home with his own grandparents I am sure he missed as much as I miss mine. I hope you all know too that you will be Home one day as well.

Today is a celebration. A celebration of a life well lived and the rewards he is receiving in Heaven. Grandaddy never liked a formal affair. When he talked to you he always had something funny to share, so I'm going to end this the same way. 

A was a woman out golfing with friends one day. There was a group behind her so she hurried to tee off and fell down. One of the men in the group was Barack Obama (shocking he's golfing, I know) he helped her up and said hello m'am I'm Barack Obama I hope you can say you voted for me. She smiled sweetly and said "Sir, I fell on my behind, not on my head."

NYC 2015: The Time We Met Trump

We left early Sunday morning for NYC! I had lived there previously and visited several times and the boys had even been two years ago. Kyle had (somehow?) never been so it was especially exciting!

We stayed at The Knickerbocher hotel and absolutely loved it! PBQS (Punk Beauty Queen Sister) sent me a text the week before that said "The Bach is going to the Boch!"

I had NO idea what she was talking about until I realized she meant the episode of The Bachelorette that would be airing during our stay was filmed at The Knickerbocher. So cool!

We spent Sunday afternoon walking around Times Square and then had dinner at Justin Timberlake's Southern Hospitality. He was shockingly not there to dine with us, but we still enjoyed it! The next day we all woke up only to discover it was almost noon! In our defense we had been up since 3:30am the day before and it was 11:00am our time. However, we all slept like teenagers and it was MARVELOUS!

We took off to the Museum of Natural History, which was even more incredible than expected. Kyle and I thoroughly enjoyed every exhibit. The boys loved it all too and were especially in love with the dinosaurs and ocean life exhibits. It was amazing to see, but more than anything so educational for Krews and Kole. 

As we left the museum, rain started to pour! We caught a cab and went straight to FAO Schwartz. Sadly, they are closing in a couple of weeks so this was high priority. Hopefully they will open in a new location, but it is still sad to close their signature location. 

FAO Schwartz turned out to be just the amazing experience I was hoping for the boys to enjoy. They had a build your own remote control car area, which was similar to build-a-bear. They absolutely loved each stage. Krews made an Avengers car and Kole made a Batman car. I bought a FAO piano ornament that I will love having on the tree this year.

After FAO, we headed to Serendipity 3 for dinner. We all shared a frozen hot chocolate that Krews named the best drink ever! We were so exhausted afterwards that we went back to the hotel. 

The next morning we had planned to go to Coney Island, but heard it was under major construction still from Hurricane Sandy. We decided to save it for the next trip. Our concierge informed us that a great Avenger exhibit was going on in the Discovery building in Times Square. Krews and Kole are both OBSESSED with the Avenger crew, so we were excited to go. We went thru official S.H.I.E.L.D training at The Avengers S.T.A.T.I.O.N. Krews and Kole soaked up every single second and were even given official Avenger training cards. This is a huge deal to boys who now have their own wallets to carry items :) I can sadly announce my strength is only a portion of Captain Americas and my reflexes even worse. I gave it my all, but failed miserably. I guess we can't all be the Captain.

We were in the hotel afterwards taking a break when we noticed Donald Trump had a big rollout announcing his Presidency. We decided it would be an exciting time to walk by Fox News, where I once worked, and by Trump Tower. While at Trump Tower, we were waiting for the elevator to go to Trumps ice cream parlor. We were the only ones waiting and felt like it was taking forever. The elevator finally opened and our jaws dropped as DONALD TRUMP HIMSELF WAS STANDING THERE. He walked off with a couple a couple of bodyguards, did the "your fired" point at Kyle, and said "Nice lookin' woman us got there." (Great politician already)

And this is how Audra died of shock. Kyle said thank you, The Donald smiled, and before we knew it the whole moment was over. We proceed on to the elevator in complete shock and finally started laughing. Kyle said we could have been there all day and that never would have happened. It was truly a one in a million chance to run into Donald Trump in NYC on the day he announced his candidacy!

Meanwhile, Krews and Kole were completely oblivious. That is until we explained that he was the guy on the show with the theme song they loved that went "money, money, money, money.....mon-ey!" As we started to tell everyone they asked if we had gotten a picture and sadly the answer is no. It was such a brief encounter and would have completely been awkward if we had asked. Especially with all of the security around trump tower that day. 

After our excitement we went to St. Patrick's Cathedral and Rockefeller Plaza. We went by my old apartment and then went to a fun dinner at Ellen's Stardust Diner. 

The next day we grabbed a slice of pizza and headed to Central Park. I love how you can be in a beautiful, large park and look up above the trees and see sky scrapers. We went to the Central Park Zoo, which the boys LOVED. Then we hopped on the Subway to go our beloved Yankees game. Krews and Kole were equally excited about the subway ride and loved it.

How can I describe my love for the Yankees and Yankee Stadium? I don't think I adequately can describe it. The moment you walk up to the stadium is like walking into Disney World. It is incredible. I have never been to a more exciting atmosphere. Everyone is SO HAPPY to be there cheering on the Yankees. And all of the staff is so nice, helpful, and welcoming. I feel like there is so much cool history surrounding the Yankees and so many of their players. We went to Monument Park located in outfield and it was nothing short of incredible. It is like a history lesson and salute to retired players all in one. We got into the stands early and got to hear all of the classics like "New York, New York" played for the entire ballpark. We also got to learn history of all of the players....Like how Brett Gardner only walked onto his college team. That is the American Dream people, being a walk on and working your way up TO THE YANKEES. When the game was starting EVERYONE loudly sang the National Anthem and then God Bless America in the 7th inning stretch (a post 9/11 tradition). New Yorkers love the Yankees and truly love American patriotism. 

The game was one of the most exciting experiences. Everything is a big deal. There is constant clapping, chanting, singing going on and everyone has a great time. Even the grounds crew does a routine to YMCA every time they come out. Watching the boys take it all in was the best part. Krews has now declared when he grows up he wants to be a pitcher for the Yankees. He watched the game so closely and was very into every single play. I love to see his little dreams forming and the fact that at 6 years old he truly believes he can put his mind to it and become a Yankees pitcher.  Kole loved it too and at his age was more into all of the excitement. I hope they can grow up attending Yankees game and continue their love for watching the games. Next stop for us will be a Yankees vs. Red Sox game to get the true experience!

We woke up Thursday morning sad we would be leaving the next day. We went to Macy's/herald square and then headed to the Freedom Tower. The Freedom Tower and 9/11 memorial will give you chills and make you tear up. It is truly incredible and is representative of the American spirit. 9/11 was the most horrific event of my lifetime and I cannot imagine living thru that day at Ground Zero. The memorial gives such hope and peace, while the new tower shows we will stand strong. 

We spent all day downtown in SoHo, Chinatown, Greenwich Village, and my favorite TriBeCa. We decided if we lived in NYC we would live in TriBeCa. It is so neat and family oriented! In TriBeCa we are at Ninja NYC. It was by far they boys favorite dining experience. It was a little frightening to me as ninjas are constantly jumping out of corners and scaring you to death, but the boys LOVED it. It wasn't a cheesy themed restaurant. They had delicious steaks and made it all seem very authentic!

In the cab ride home, I started feeling very emotional. We truly had the most amazing trip together and I was so thankful for the experience together. NYC holds a special place in my heart. I hope my boys will grow up feeling like it is a home to them as well!

Nostalgia

One of my earliest memories is climbing in the car to drive to Rose Bud, "Gateway to the Ozarks." A small town with a population of 158. Maybe it has changed, but the sign is ingrained in my memory. We would always drive straight to the center of town to Stark Building Supply, my grandparents hardware store. We would walk in and find my Gee behind the cash register visiting with customers and my Grandaddy out in the fertilizer store area. I would immediately ask to either help clean or mix paint. Shortly afterward we would take money out of the cash drawer and walk across the street to the quick stop. I would make myself the biggest ice cream cone I could manage and then we would walk back. After the store closed, we would go to the grocery store with Gee to pick up groceries for that nights dinner. We would head to their house on the farm and watch Gee make pork chops in the skillet, while Grandaddy fed the horses. After dinner, the activity was whatever was requested. My grandparents were so young and active. We would head outside and catch lightning bugs in a mason jar. Some nights we would get empty feed sacks to make a diamond in the yard and play a family baseball game. Other nights were spent on the mechanical bull Grandaddy made with an old tank hooked up between two trees with an old mattress underneath in case we fell off. Then we would come inside while Grandaddy watched bull riding and would take turns sitting on his knee as he pretended to be a bull and knock us off. There were also many trips down to their creek to catch crawdads or swim. It wasn't anything fancy, but was so picturesque and special. They were both always so happy and truly enjoyed our company. 

My brother would spend his summers in Rose Bud. He always helped my grandparents work and took his role very seriously. Austin was also very spoiled during his stay. Every morning he had a homemade breakfast and if his frisbee ended up of the roof Grandaddy would climb up and get it. Austin would sleep on a couch in their bedroom. The couch top was lined with small stuffed animals that he won out of a machine. Gee and Grandaddy would put endless quarters in the toy machine at the local restaurant just so Austin could win his prize of stuffed animals. I spend the night one Saturday night on a whim. All I had was a sweatsuit to wear. Gee told me to get ready for church and I said, "But I have nothing to wear!"

She immediately told me it didn't matter what I wore, it just mattered that I went to church. Talk about an impression at an early age. 

When my mom would talk to my grandparents on the phone, Grandaddy would ask to talk to me. As soon as I got on the phone he would say, "You sure do look good tonight!"

I would laugh hysterically as he would tell me his phone had a TV and he could see me thru it. I still giggle to this day about it because I thought a phone with a TV seemed so futuristic.  

When you walked into Gee and Grandaddy's house two things were always a given. One was that Fox News was always playing and two that it was always an icebox in the house. You could always look under the counter and find the best stash of little debbie treats. For a snack we would homemade popcorn made in a special pan. And every Christmas we would watch Grandaddy cut down a tree and he would always joke that we could only have a Charlie Brown sized tree. One day I remember watching Gee stand at the stove cooking dinner. She grabbed her stomach and bent over in pain. I remember being concerned, but didn't think anything terrible could be going on. 

Gee ended up being diagnosed with Ovarian cancer and died 7 years later. She had a strong fight, but in the end was just ready to go home and be with Jesus. She had unwavering faith and died ready. Gee had lived a tragic life in her later stages. She watched her daddy die a slow, hard death from ALS and 18 months later her sister died in a car crash. That was her only sibling aside from a brother who died as an infant. She cared for her mother  tirelessly, who struggled with terrible dementia. She never let any of this tragedy show. 

After Gee died, Grandaddy never fully recovered. And how could he? The two of them eloped as teenagers and spent most of their life together and worked side by side each day. She only lived to be 62 and he was robbed of so much time with her. Grandaddy isn't one for getting out much, but he would spend some of his Friday nights coming to watch Kyle play high school basketball games. He would come over to my parents house for family dinners on occasion. Grandaddy sold the building supply store not long after Gee's death and spent his time mostly on the farm. Grandaddy is my only living grandparent. As each of my other grandparents died, he would come to the funeral and say "You've been through this before and can make it thru again."

Grandaddy was able to see me work at his beloved Fox News in a big election year and loved it. He would call me and ask me questions about my friends in New York City and wanted to be on the know about all of it. He has been able to watch my boys grow up and they love going to visit him. Kole refers to him as "that cowboy."

Last weekend, Grandaddy wasn't feeling well so we went to visit him. Nostalgia hit me as I looked to his old hardware store and saw a car lot that one of my friends runs. When you walk into his house it seems the same, yet so different. He was wanting some coffee, so I offered to go to the quick stop to get it for him. I told him I wanted to go get one of those big ice cream cones like when I was a kid, but sadly they don't have that old ice cream machine anymore. Time truly marches on. 

I hope my kids can experience childhood experiences like mine. I often wonder what they will remember and what will be special to them? I hope they can find as much joy in the simple things like catching lightning bugs and crawdads as I did. And I hope they spend their summer days eating the biggest ice cream cones their little hands can make.

An Open and Honest Account

Night time is my time. After everyone is asleep, I am awake all by myself and enjoy an hour or so relaxing. One night in particular I was watching Grey's Anatomy (do NOT even get me started on the death of McDreamy.)  April was pregnant with her first child and learned that the baby had a terrible disease. She (the actress and her character) is a christian and struggled with what to do. She didn't want to terminate the pregnancy, but knew her baby was in constant pain. His disease caused his bones to break even with the lightest touch. Ultimately she induced labor to save the baby from pain while giving him a chance to live, and the baby went to Heaven to be with Jesus. And I cried and cried. I distinctly remember thinking, "That is something I could never handle. I have had to deal with many difficult things in my life, so losing a baby wouldn't ever be something God put on my plate."

Never say never. The day I went to my doctors appointment and found out that our baby was in Heaven, I had other plans for the day. I had a grocery list, errands to run. I had normal plans. No matter what plans we have and how prepared we might be, they are nothing compared to God's divine plan. I never once in my life thought this grief was something I would have to deal with. I wanted to have easier trials in my life. I thought I was better equipped to handle other issues. God knows better though. There is a reason he put this on my plate. Reasons I may never know, but must trust. 

When I went back into surgery, the nurse anesthetist reminded me that God will not give more than I can handle. A sweet friend sent me a quote from Rick Warren that read "Other people are going to find healing in your wounds. Your greatest life messages and your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts."

I don't want to have a lot on my plate to handle, have wounds, or have to minister if it means losing my baby, but I will do it to serve the Lord. I will do so if it is God's will for me and clearly it is. Now I just have to figure out how to serve him thru this storm. And how to validate my baby's life and be a mama to that baby in Heaven. How do I do it?

The day after I lost our baby, I felt strongly called to write down our story and publicly share it. I don't know why, but maybe it is to share God's love. I try to keep writing and keep sharing. Right now it is the only way I know to make a ministry from this!

I am not very strong right now and constantly have waves of emotions, anxiety, and sadness. I want to be honest about this because I feel like so many women struggle with this and feel like they are alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Fanny pack mom is right there with you. One day last week, I told Kyle I was so proud of myself because I had not cried all day long. I then stayed up for an hour crying that I had not cried. Silly I know, but grief has no rules or structure. I am a hot mess of hormones right now and I own it. Sometimes it is overwhelming to even respond to a text message. It is very overwhelming to leave my house or be in crowds. All things I usually love and enjoy. I am so thankful that God has put several women, who have been in my shoes, in my path to justify my stage of life right now. They have all assured me these are all normal symptoms of grief. Right now my focus is on my kids I have on earth. I make them homemade meals, play fun games with them, and meet their every need. My house is constantly picked up and all laundry is constantly done. All of my work is being done from home and I even exercise daily. Those are the things I can control and be scheduled with right now, so I always keep those up. Other than that my comfort place right now is reading grief books to heal or honestly watching Netflix. And I am not going to feel bad about it. I can't. I felt like on a couple of occasions this week I was being criticized and made to feel like I should be back to normal. Luckily, in my grief study it had prepared me for experiences like this to feel confident in my ways. 

A sweet friend gave me a book called Mommy please don't cry...there are no tears in Heaven. Ironically, this book produced a lot of tears, but only because it is so beautiful. It reminds me that my baby is being held by Jesus and knows no pain or tears. Human nature makes me selfish and makes me want to get to be the one holding my baby, but how wonderful for my baby to be with my Savior. This gives me all the hope I need right now! 

Grief

I have experienced grief in my life, but nothing like the kind of grief I have experienced in the past week. When I first learned our baby's little heart was no longer beating, I was hysterical. I then moved into a period of shock. The period of shock is emotional, but during that period reality hasn't fully set in. It's when you move past the shock stage and reality sets in that it becomes unbearable.

One of the worst symptoms I have is terrible nightmares. Waking up is hard too. When I wake up I am sick from the nightmares, and then once again reality sets in that our baby is gone. Every once in awhile grief will strike and completely take over. My hormones are so out of whack right now that I know it adds to the pain. I physically feel like I just had a baby, yet I don't have one in my arms. 

God still doesn't fail me. Every time I start to have a meltdown, it never fails that I have a text message or something encouraging from a friend. I have had so much love and support.  I have had new friends, old friends, and people I am just aquatinted with reaching out to me. My porch has constantly had a person or package waiting on me to send us love. God has even put people in my path to share their stories with me of their own loss. People have been so good to me and have ministered to me daily. Kyle and I are in complete amazement. It is such a blessing.

 Wednesday was a hard day, but yesterday Kyle was home with me all day. I needed that time so much. Time to just be together. I started to get nervous last night about him having be back at work today, but I tried to just breath thru it. Kyle is the only other person grieving the same exact same loss as me. We both lost our child and both have to deal with this loss. 

I constantly thank God for Krews and Kole. They are such encouragers without even knowing it. They are so happy and full of adventure that they help heal the pain. Wednesday night, I was really feeling bad and Krews noticed I wasn't feeling good. He came up to me and rubbed my back and said "Oh it's ok mama, you will feel better soon." He doesn't even know how much that helped me. Krews and Kyle had to be at a practice one night this week, so it was just me and Kole. He told me that he loved being just with me. God knew I needed to hear that precious voice tell me those words. I have tried not to let them see me be emotional at all. Around them I am upbeat and planning for fun future things. However, they understand that our baby being in Heaven is a celebration, but also sad for us since we don't have the baby.

 I hope this situation can be a positive learning situation for them. They have been able to see the kindness that has been poured over our family. They think it is amazing that friends have brought dinner to our house every night and that gifts have been at our front door constantly. Their sweet nurse from our pediatrician's office came by and brought us a homemade pie. They thought it was so cool she came to our house to see them even though they weren't sick haha!

Yesterday, I got myself in real clothes and surprised the boys with water balloons filled and ready for a water battle. I knew they needed a special treat, and I needed to be out in the sunshine for a little while. I was tired after, but so glad we had some fun time! We have also planned a couple of trips in the near future. I think that is just what our family needs! Time together, time away, and time to heal. 

I have prayed everyday, multiple times a day, thanking God for taking care of me at this time. As weird as this sounds, I feel like my connection with God is even deeper knowing He has our baby with Him. Can you imagine the lullabies Angels sing? Babies always smell so sweet, I can only imagine how much sweeter they smell in Heaven. It is a comfort for me to think in terms like that. I think I will end this post with that positive thought in my mind. 

Update

Since my last post, so much has happened. I spent Wednesday in shock and it all felt like a blur. By Thursday, I decided to get out of the house and take a ride with Kyle. We were driving down the road, and I was bent over digging around in my purse. Kyle yelled and the next thing I knew a car had slammed into us and another car into them. I was forced back into my seat and my head and neck immediately hurt. I also felt my seatbelt tighten over my stomach. I immediately just started to cry. I still had no symptoms of losing the baby aside from what we saw on the ultrasound.

I went to the Emergency Room by ambulance and felt like that ambulance ride was my low point. I was in pain physically and emotionally. I had been sitting around waiting for something to start happening with the baby, and was still trying to wrap my mind around it all. At the ER, everyone was so kind to me knowing the situation I was in. I went in for a CT scan, and the tech asked if there was a chance I could be pregnant. I told him I was pregnant, but that our baby had no heartbeat anymore. He showed me such compassion, covered my stomach with a shield, and said we would still protect the baby. I was in tears. A complete stranger showed such validation to my baby's life. It was such a blessing to me. I am also thankful the boys were not in the car with us and that Kyle was not hurt.

We were able to go home and the next morning (Friday) came back to the hospital for surgery. I had started running a fever, and knew it was time to face the loss of our baby. I was met with constant love and compassion by each person who cared for me in the hospital. From the lady who checked me into the hospital to every single sweet nurse. 

When it was time to go back to surgery, I had a hard time telling Kyle, my mom, and dad goodbye. I was emotional and scared. God quickly took those fears away, when I was greeted by a nurse, who I had known since high school, and a nurse anesthetist who said he would be praying for me the entire time. 

I made it thru surgery just fine, but am still struggling to adapt. This morning I fixed myself a snack, opened the cabinet to take my prenatal vitamins, and then just froze. I am dealing with emotional pain and also physical pain from the surgery and wreck. I have seen God every step of the way and he has been so faithful to me. I have received so much love and support from friends and family. I am constantly getting messages, phone calls, visitors, front porch drop offs, mail, and deliveries. Having a good doctor also makes the process so much easier. He even came by our house before soccer games yesterday to check and see how we were making it. It is amazing the love God shows you when you are at your weakest point. 

I don't know why we have been put in this situation, and I don't question why. There is a reason God put this in our path and my job is to bring honor to Him through it. I do know we have already been given a platform to share our message of life at any stage and how important it is. My job right now is to recover and grieve. I also have two children, who I have to be strong for and set an example. They will both tell you right now, without any doubt, that our baby is in Heaven and that is the most amazing place to be. I hope their faith can be a shining example to others as well. 

I will try to update again soon!

Our Precious Baby

I woke up with the worst headache on February 7th. I am used to dealing with headaches, but this on was different. I just felt completely off. I stayed in bed all weekend, even missing church. Monday rolled around and I was somewhat better, but still just off. Kyle was home that day and a man came by about updating our landscaping. I told him I wanted lots of bright flowers near the entryway. Then I went inside and took a pregnancy test, confirming that off feeling was pregnancy. 

We hadn't been trying to concieve, but I knew I wanted another baby and was thrilled. Sitting in church one Sunday,  we were talking about mission trips. Our Sunday school teacher encouraged us to pray about if we should be led to go on one, because all it would do was open our eyes to if God wanted us serving that way. I prayed about a mission trip, and I kept being more and more nudged about adoption. Was God trying to open my eyes to adoption? I talked to Kyle and we agreed to pray about it. That was in December. When I had a positive pregnancy test, I knew God's plan for me was to have another baby, just maybe not by adoption.

At 8 weeks pregnant, I had my first appointment and ultrasound. The ultrasound showed our sweet baby on the screen moving around. The baby had a strong heartbeat. We were so excited and told the boys they would be big brothers. They were thrilled and fought over whether the baby would be a boy, girl, or robot. (Kole has a strong imagination.) We told our family and close friends. I felt comfortable that by 8 weeks with a heartbeat, sharing our news was safe. Krews and Kole took pink and blue cupcakes to school to celebrate their brother or sister. 

Yesterday, was April 7th. Two months after I had discovered my exciting news. Two months after I had been living with this precious baby growing inside of me, dreaming of his or her's precious future. I woke up and got dressed to go to my 12 week checkup. I was worried I looked fat and I put on leggings and a maternity shirt. And in my mind it was ok because by the 3rd pregnancy you start showing after you take the test, ya know? I went in the doctors office and waited for my appointment. My dad had an appointment to check his levels because he has recently lost 35 pounds, and I was still worried about looking fat. I sat there making a grocery list and working on different tasks, just like everything was normal. My dad came out and was telling all the ladies in the office that he just knew I was having a girl because he had prayed for a girl. Everyone was laughing over his excitement. He left and I was called back to see the doctor. Everything was still 100% normal, as I joked with our doctor (and close family friend) that my dad had been trying to bribe me to name my baby after him. He started listening for the heartbeat and couldn't hear it. He went and changed the batteries in the Doppler. He did everything in his power to find that heartbeat. He tried to be calm and reassuring with me, and decided I needed to go to the hospital for an ultrasound. I got in my car and finally burst into tears, because I just knew something was wrong. I listed to the song "My redeemer lives" the entire way to the hospital. I kept telling myself that if my sweet bouncing baby I saw on the ultrasound, had taken his or her last heartbeat he or she was with my Redeemer, and my Redeemer lives. 

I made it to the hospital first, with Kyle walking in shortly after me. I almost cried again when I laid my eyes on him. I got myself together and went in for the ultrasound. It took a very long time. She checked every single little thing, yet wouldn't tell me anything. She was sweet and bubbly, and I was thankful to as least have a sweet ultrasound tech with us. I knew if there was a heartbeat she would have let me hear it. I have never felt more stupid for spending time that day worried I looked fat. 

I drove home knowing I would spend the afternoon just waiting for a phone call to know if my baby was alive. In my heart, I knew what was happening. On the drive home, I drove past the cemetery my grandmother and grandfather are buried in. I had been worried this entire pregnancy because I only had two homemade blankets from my grandmother. One for Kole and one for Krews. What blanket would this baby have? Now I had such different questions, "If my baby is in heaven, do grandmother and grandfather see him or her? And what about my Gee or Doe? Is one of them rocking that baby for me?"

I got home and Kyle got here shortly after me. He finally got me to eat a little lunch, and we watched TV like we were zombies. Then the phone rang. Our sweet doctor could barely say the words. He was just as upset as we were that our baby was no longer alive. He told me our options and told me just to talk to Kyle and that we would touch base soon. I called my mom and asked her to tell other family members because I just couldn't. I had Kyle text one of my friends to alert others. I was completely inconsolable. I decided to take a shower and when I walked into my closet and saw the summer maternity clothes I had just bought, I lost it. I threw all the clothes down. I just couldn't handle it. 

When I finally got myself together, Kyle brought the boys home. We told them that our baby was in Heaven. I had been dreading this conversation all afternoon. Luckily, they are too young to fully grasp things. Krews prayed for us to have another baby and asked if that would be ok with me. I told him of course, we would try to have another baby. They both also have such a strong childlike faith, and say with such excitement "Awe the baby's in heaven with Jesus!" 

Kyle took them out to keep their minds of off it and to give me a little time. One of my friends left something on my porch, and when I went to get it I saw the flowers planted that we had planned the day I found out I was expecting this baby. They were beautiful and had so much life. Just like this baby. This baby was given life, and I am so thankful I have been able to carry him or her. I would do it all over again, even though this is the most painful loss I have ever experienced. I don't really know what God's plan is for us? I just know I have complete faith in Him. I felt led to share our story this morning, and maybe this can help someone who faces a similar situation. I felt the need to talk about my sweet baby and do something besides cry. I never thought something like this would happen. With this happening so late and after we had a heartbeat, I have been a little shocked. It just goes to show that nothing is ever guaranteed in life, except that God will always be there. My faith is strengthened in knowing that I have eternal life and so does my baby. 

I woke up this morning still in shock. I had nightmares all night. I still don't know what to do, as I sit here still carrying this baby's sweet little body. I have had no signs of miscarriage, even though I know what is happening. I even question sometimes, what if the baby is still alive? There are no good options when it comes to a loss like this. I ask for your prayers at this time. I am already amazed at the love and support that my friends and family have poured out over me. I love you all!

And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” Job 1:21

unbroken

Last night, Kyle and I decided to watch Unbroken. I had heard it was a great movie, but I had no idea just how amazing it would be. I was completely glued to this story and in awe of each event that happened. This is the true story of Louis Zamperini, an olymipc athlete turned soldier, who suffered terrible circumstances at sea and in Japan. The underlying message (I wish it would have been more strongly portrayed) was that he promised to serve God if he would just let him survive. God saw him thru and he became a Christian and motivational speaker. Louis even forgave his captors. Can you imagine forgiving the people who beat you, starved you, and treated you so poorly? This was a true story of service to God and coutnry. I truly beileve the two go hands and hand as we are one nation under God.

At the end of the movie, Kyle said, "They just dont make people like him anymore."

It really got me thinking about how times in America used to be. In a time of war, everyone served their country. Everyone. Yes, I understand there was a draft and not all served by choice. However, there was such a sence of pride in country. Everyone gave to the war effort and supported our troops. It was noble and expected for young men to serve our country. And let me tell you, many men suffered out of loyalty and service to country.

Today we still have great women and men who proudly serve our country. I am so thankful for each day they spend protecting us and keeping America safe. However, it is not the same as it used to be. In older days, there was such a larger group who served our country. As a mother, I am thankful there is no draft and can say I would be scared to death if one of my children went to war. I can also say I cannot imagine a more admirable or noble profession for them to choose.

When I was thinking about people like Louis, I thought to myself "Are we really appreciative enough of his sacrifice? Are we honoring our country in a way to make men like him proud?"

I feel like America has reached such a different time. We are a torn nation. The majority of schools don't say the pledge of allegiance daily. America is taken for granted. Most of this is done out of a reverse sence of respect to all people from all walks of life. Don't get me wrong....I beleive in showing kindness and respect to every person no matter what walk of life they come from. The true Christian spirit loves all people unconditionally. What I am referring to is that in America we are no longer proud of our country and the principals we were founded on. We are scared to say the pledge, because what if we offend non-believers with the statement of one nation under God? We are scared to wave our flag, because what if we offend people from other lands? We are scared to stand up because of what ifs. We are America, the land of the free. We are welcoming to people from all lands and all walks of life. However, we are America, founded on principles of God and country. There is no penatly for not believing as we are a free country, but there should be a regared for respecting what America is. We must build back a sense of country and respect to country or future generations will let our country fall apart. When I look on facebook recently, I see a lot of complaining. People act unhappy to live in this wonderful country. People are also unhappy in the great state of Arkansas. Things just arent to their liking. They have NO idea how good we have it. We live in a free country, a safe country, and a wonderful country.

When I was growing up, my Sunday school teacher aslways said "The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing." That has always stuck with me. As a Christian, it makes me think is every action I do should be to serve God and serve in a way He would expect me to. As an American, it makes me think every action that I do should be respectful to my country and the principles it was founded on.

Kyle said he would love to live in older days when life was more simple without all the distractions. I am thankful for the modern advances that make our lifes better, but do wish we had more simple times. Mayberry times, where life wasnt so complicated. We were put in these times and it is our job to live life to the fullest in these times, while honoring past sacrifices that allow us to be here today.